


Moments that words don't reach

by epersonae



Series: Aftermath [6]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, Implied Brian/Brad, It's made of dialogue, Like So Much Talking, referenced magnus/julia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 16:41:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11695707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epersonae/pseuds/epersonae
Summary: Another conversation over dinner: guilt, forgiveness, and reassurance. What is a good boss, anyway? And some thoughts about backrubs.





	Moments that words don't reach

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the dinner that Taako is so irritable about in [Poker Night](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11631834).
> 
> Title is from [It's Quiet Uptown](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrsmUzqweBI), because I keep thinking of the line: "Forgiveness. Can you imagine?"

“Sometimes I feel…guilty. Like I had it easy,” he said, setting down his fork. His eyes were as serious as she'd ever seen them. “You know…compared to the others. I think…I think that's one reason they're….” He let the thought trail off; she didn't want to ask him to finish it. Some things were still too hard to hear, even if she already knew them. 

“But Raven’s Roost,” she said. “Julia. You lost so much.”

“I  _ had _ so much, Lucretia. You took me to a place where I could do good, where I found love. Steven and Julia, they made me part of their family.” His eyes glittered with unfallen tears, and a wry smile played across his face. “You would've liked her, I think. She was so smart and brave. She made me  _ better  _ somehow. I wanted to do better for her. And gods, she was so beautiful, Lucretia, just, I mean….” He laughed, a real belly laugh, and blinked away errant tears. “Yeah, I think you would've liked her too.” He wiggled his eyebrows, and that made  _ her _ laugh. “I can't believe this is literally the first time that thought occurred to me,” he said. He sighed. “That's what I mean, though. I had that.”

“I did meet her,” said Lucretia. “Twice.” It felt like stepping out onto a frozen lake, talking to him about this, and listening for the sound of cracking ice. “When I first brought you to Ravens Roost, she came out to see the new neighbor.”

“She was always interested in meeting folks, seeing what they were up to.”

“And then…” Lucretia took a deep breath. A little further out onto the ice. “I came to the wedding. I had to see.”

“How? There were a lot of people, man that was a crowd and a half, but how?”

With a little flourish of her hand, she cast Disguise Self, and an old woman with fair skin and wiry hair sat across from him. 

“Something I picked up from Taako, ages ago.”

“Right.” Recognition spread across his face. “Right. Of course. You  _ were _ there. I mean, there were so many people, but I remember.”

“She brought me a glass of wine. She looked… You both looked so happy.”

Now it was her turn to try to blink back tears as she dropped the spell. She found she couldn't look at him, so she stared down at her plate. 

He reached across the table and took her hand. He kissed the tips of her fingers, saying, “You are a terrible romantic, you know that?”

She shook her head. 

“No, I'm serious. As long as I've known you, you've acted so pragmatic, and yet. There's this poet under there. All the time.” He turned her hand over and kissed her palm. “I missed you. I didn't  _ know  _ that I missed you, which sucks.” He let go of her hand, then tipped her chin up so that she couldn't look away. He swallowed hard, and when he spoke again, his voice was thick. “Loving her, ultimately, now, it doesn't take away from how much I loved….” And then it seemed that  _ he _ couldn't look at  _ her _ . “You know, we can have these loves that overlap, that mean different things at the same time.”

“Yeah, I know. Magnus?”

“Yes?”

“I never stopped loving you.” She sighed. “And honestly, that means one thing between  _ us _ , but I never stopped loving any of them, too. You know, there's forgiveness, and then there's working together because you need to, and then there's… Actual forgiveness? And I don't expect… It wouldn't be fair, really.” 

She sighed, again -- this was uncomfortably familiar territory in her own head -- then changed the subject. 

“I'm moving to Neverwinter,” she said. “Lord Sterling invited me to oversee his new library.”

“That's great! You'll be amazing.”

She started tearing apart the last of the bread with her fingers. 

“It's funny, I'm quite nervous about it.”

“You were a great boss,” he said. “It's a little weird to say that, considering, but you were. What you built at the Bureau, you should be proud of that. The people who worked for you, they were amazing. Smart and tough and loyal. They were true to the dream.”

“They shouldn't’ve had to have been.”

He raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, ok. But they helped save the world, and they wouldn't have done that if it wasn't for you.”

“Sure. But I think about Brian a lot.”

“That asshole?”

“Magnus.”

“He did try to kill us.”

“You didn't know him before that, though. He was funny and clever and so sweet. When Carey and Killian got married, I kept thinking about him and Brad and how they were supposed to…” She had started crying, she had never cried about Brian before. How long had it been? A year? Two years? But she was crying now. 

“Oh, that guy?” said Magnus softly. “Huh.” But she barely heard him. 

“You would have liked him, I know it. And instead you had to kill him. And that's….”

“Well, Taako killed him. And he was going to kill us.”

“But what I'm saying is that you say I was a good boss, but I put him in a position where that had to happen.”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks.”

“How much reassurance do you need, Lucretia? You made some choices and things happened because of them. I'm pretty sure that you aren't going to be deciding the fate of the universe while building the library of Neverwinter. And the good things you did, those will be with you for that work.”

“Oh, Magnus. Thank you.”

“What else are friends for, anyway?”

“Friends?”

“Yup, whether you like it or not. Help me clean up the dishes” -- he looked pointedly at the pile of shredded bread crumbs under her hands as he stood up -- “and maybe I'll give you that backrub I owe from Candlenights?”

She laughed, wiping the tears from her face with the back of her hand. 

“Oh sweet lady Istus, do you have any idea how it felt when you gave me that coupon? I thought I'd just phase through the floor.”

“You  _ did _ call it the nightmare scenario, so….”

“All I could think of was what Taako used to say, about how 90%--”

“-- of backrubs lead to getting it on.” He started laughing too. He picked up her plate and kissed her forehead. “Poor Madame Director.” He put his free hand on the top of her shoulder and squeezed. “Wanna see if that's really true?”

She looked up at him, searching his face for some sign of… She didn't quite know what: distrust, perhaps? Regret? But no, his smile was true and open. She put her hand over his. 

“OK, sure. But then I get to give you a backrub.”

“No argument here.”

**Author's Note:**

> I've basically never been so dang happy to be wrong about a theory as I am about the thrall, but I still think the rest of this series holds up regardless so I'm going to keep going with it, apparently. Because every time I think I'm done with this thought, there's a little bit more rattling around in my head.
> 
> Also, this scene absolutely continues in [Rustic Hospitality](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11766735).


End file.
